IT DOESN'T PAY ANYMORE.

alright.. i've broke down crying NUMEROUS times (including sobbing while typing this out).. NOTHING i do will ever get me where I want to be in life. i noticed some people from courage kenny viewing my facebook timeline lately- the ONLY reason they're viewing my timeline is because DOUG (NOT DOUGLAS) STALKS ME AND GETS HARD EVERYTIME I MENTION "DOUGLAS" ON MY BLOG- THINKING IT'S REFERRING TO HIS BIGOT ASS. WHENEVER I REFER TO DOUG, I WILL MAKE A DISTINCTION AND SAY "THE RACIST PRICK" OR "THE PIECE OF SHIT" AFTER I TALK ABOUT HIM ON MY BLOG. I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO COURAGE KENNY AGAIN. i only went there because i didn't have anything else to do and i figured it'd keep me active. however- NOW i realize i have better things to do besides make my family and other people who don't actually give a damn about what i want actually look like they "care". the only reason why they want me to go there is so i can make other disabled people satisfied with being disabled like "LOOK! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OF US WHO ACTUALLY CARES WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE AND WHAT/WHERE SHE'S GOING! SO BEING DISABLED IS COOL!" while the therapists there refuse to assist me in getting what I want done. example you ask (for the complete fucking idiots that haven't got it the first hundred times i've said this)? I WENT THROUGH THEIR DRIVING PROGRAM AT LEAST FOUR TIMES AND THEY FAILED ME EVERY TIME WITH THE REASON "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". NOT "won't be able to drive because her cognitive skills were effected". I ASKED THE THERAPIST AT REGIONS HOSPITAL IF I COULD GO THROUGH THERAPY TO INCREASE MY COGNITIVE SKILLS AFTER I BASICALLY FAILED MY LAST COGNITIVE TEST- SHE SAID STRAIGHT OUT TO ME, "NO." THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR. NO PUSSYFOOTING AROUND AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY DISABILITY JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT MORE FUCKING MONEY OFF MY DISABILITY WITH FALSE HOPES OF IMPROVING AND ACCOMPLISHING MY GOALS. I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ANOTHER GIRL AT COURAGE KENNY FEELS BECAUSE I REMEMBER ASKING HER IF SHE DROVE AND SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AND I ASKED HER, "DON'T YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" AND SHE JUST SHRUGGED HER SHOULDERS. I'M SURE SHE GOT THESE SAME COGNITIVE TEST RESULTS THAT I RECENTLY RECEIVED, SHE JUST DIDN'T WANNA EXPLAIN IT PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S EXPLAINED IT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE AND I RECOGNIZED THAT, SO I JUST DROPPED IT. i don't care how much of a fuckin cunt she was to me, i wasn't about to make someone feel bad for my own thrill. NOTHING i do will ever get me where I want because NO ONE AROUND ME CARES ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO MAKE SURE I'M GENUINELY HAPPY IF IT'S NOT FUCKIN CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. don't get me wrong- i DO receive care from my cousin joe but i don't wanna inconvenience him especially because it wasn't intended for HIM to assist me specifically and become my "support" by my grandma (my previous SORRY excuse of support) and my grandma DIDN'T say, "JOE WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" no.. she said a million times, "AMANDA'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* IS IT CONVENIENT FOR HER TO DO SO OR DOES IT MAKE HER LOOK GOOD TO OTHER PEOPLE? OF COURSE NOT. it doesn't make her appear "caring" or "supportive" to her in-laws to assist me in accomplishing MY goals (which i've had for at least TWENTY FOUR fuckin years). do i REALLY have to be SPECIFIC about which "doug" i mean and say "BBD doug"?! (BBD standing for BIG BLACK DICK as he likes to call it) i think that may be too specific BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT!.. and he can actually get hard and not blame it on me unlike the other white doug. besides- i remember talking to the housing people in the apartment in massachusetts that i was accepted in and they asked me what kind of assistance i need (the kind of pca assistance i receive now) and i said, "well- he cooks my food for the most part and washes dishes and my clothes.." then they asked, "what about the bathroom? can you put yourself on the toilet and take a shower independently?" then i said, "i can put myself on the toilet and wipe myself.. i DO need assistance getting in and out of the BATH.. just for safety to get in and out of the tub.. when i had a roll-in shower in burnsville- i could do it independently." NOBODY seems to give a damn though. WHATEVER MAKES THEM LOOK MORE CARING, SUPPORTIVE, AND INVOLVED WITH MY LIFE! they're NOT "involved" with my life.. JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO HELP ME AND TALK TO ME. i suppose they're saying, "OH! SHE SAYS THAT JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HER! SINCE HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY ONE- WE SHOULD LEAVE IT THAT WAY SINCE SHE DOESN'T WANNA MINDLESSLY GIVE UP EVERYTHING SHE'S WORKED HER ASS OFF FOR AND MAKE US LOOK GOOD BY GOING TO COURAGE KENNY IN A WHEELCHAIR AND LOOKING LIKE THOSE KIDS YOU SEE ON TV ON THE SALVATION ARMY AND SHRINERS CHILDRENS COMMERCIALS FOR KIDS WITH CANCER SO WE CAN GET SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION FOR CARING ABOUT HER WHEN IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR US AND SO WE CAN ACTUALLY APPEAR "CARING"!" well if they were actually telling the truth FOR ONCE they might say that. EVERYONE just seems to IGNORE ALL the shit i've had to go through JUST to be standing today. WHY? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD OR CARING- WHICH THEY ARE NOT. THE ONLY RELATIVE WHO CHECKED ON ME LAST TIME I HAD SURGERY AND WAS IN THE HOSPITAL WAS JOE.. HE WENT ON VIDEOCHAT WITH ME SINCE I GOT OUTTA THE HOSPITAL BEFORE HE COULD SEE ME. when a person ACTUALLY cares about their family and they're in the hospital because of surgery that they had to have (in results of my narcissistic mom holding me in front of my dad when he kicked her when i was younger which caused damage to my bowel)- they CHECK on their family member.. ESPECIALLY when she's disabled. i even called amanda and her mom when i was in the hospital having surgery and NEITHER of them answered, so i left them BOTH a voice mail telling them where i was. DID THAT MAKE ANY OF THEM HAVE THE DESIRE TO EVEN CHECK ON ME? HELL NO. i could be dead. THEY COULD PRETEND TO ACTUALLY "CARE" AND GET ALL THE SYMPATHY THEY THINK THEY DESERVE! MAYBE NEXT TIME! they obviously didn't get attention or sympathy from anyone about this- SO WHO GIVES A FUCK?!